Don't allow others to take charge of your life.

“If you want to be respected by others the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you.”


Self-respect and striving to improve oneself are indispensable traditional values. The traditional Chinese culture continuously advocates respecting others. It even more advocates respecting oneself. Only by achieving self-respect and striving to improve, can one maintain independence and not be controlled by others under any difficult circumstances. The knowledge of one's own worth, valuing one's self; pride of one's self is self respect

You have to take care of your self-respect. It is very easy to care for.   Be sure to give it daily attention and it will grow big and strong. Psychologists insist that respecting others is impossible until we learn to respect ourselves. They believe that individuals, lacking in self-respect, are mistakenly too focused on helping others and not taking care of their own needs. 

The person with self-respect simply likes herself or himself. This self-respect is not contingent on success because there are always failures to contend with. Neither is it a result of comparing ourselves with others because there is always someone better. These are tactics usually employed to increase self-esteem. Self-respect, however, is a given. We simply like ourselves or we don't. With self-respect, we like ourselves because of who we are and not because of what we can or cannot do.

Consider an interesting test of self-respect. If someone compliments us, what is our reaction? If we are very pleased, it would suggest a certain amount of uncertainty about our skill. Imagine that somebody whose opinion we respect told us that we were great at spelling three-letter words, or that our pronunciation of vowels was wonderful. Chances are we would not be moved. We know we can do it in the first case, and we don't care in the second. Because we were not evaluating ourselves, the compliment was unimportant. The more instances in which we don't "take the compliment," the less vulnerable we become to evaluation and insult.

Compared to those with high self-esteem who are still caught in an evaluative framework, those with self-respect are less prone to blame, guilt, regret, lies, secrets and stress.

Improving your self respect

When people don´t express approval toward you or when they act rude or critical; how do you receive it? Do you tend to take it personally to see it as further evidence of your own ineptness and lack or worth?

Below are some common attitudes characteristic of people who place excessive emphasis on always being liked. These might be called “people-pleasing” attitudes. Following each is an alternative view which represents, in most cases, a more realistic outlook.

People-pleasing Attitude: “If someone isn´t friendly to me, it´s because there must be something wrong with me.”

Alternative View: “People may be unable to express warmth or acceptance toward me for reasons having nothing to do with me. For example, their own problems, frustrations, or fatigue may get in the way of their being friendly and accepting.”

People-pleasing Attitude: “Others’ criticism only serves to underscore the fact that I really am unworthy.”

Alternative View: “People who find fault with me may be projecting their own faults, which they can´t admit to having, onto me. It´s a human tendency to project unconscious flaws onto others.”

People-pleasing Attitude: “I think I´m a nice person. Shouldn´t everyone like me?”

Alternative View: “There will always be some people who just won´t like me, no matter what I do. The process by which people are attracted to or repelled by others is often irrational.”

People-pleasing Attitude: “Others’ approval and acceptance of me is essential.”

Alternative View: “It´s not necessary to receive the approval of everyone I meet in order to live a happy and meaningful life, especially if I believe in and respect myself.”

The next time you feel put off or rejected, take a moment to calm down and think about whether the person acting negatively is reacting to something you did, or if he or she might simply be upset about something that has little or nothing to do with you.

Ask yourself whether you might be taking the other person´s inconsiderate remarks or behavior too personally.

Develop assertiveness

Developing assertiveness begins with an awareness of your own needs knowing what it is you want. Then you need to learn that it´s okay to meet your needs without feeling selfish or fearing disapproval.

You become assertive, finally, when you know you have the right to ask for what you want. You are conscious of your basic rights as a human being and you are willing to exercise those rights.

To act assertively includes two things: you must be willing to ask for what you want and be willing to say “no” to what you do not want. The importance of learning to be assertive can best be appreciated when you consider the consequences of being unassertive, namely:

People don´t know what you want, so they may be indifferent to your needs or impose their own agenda.
People take advantage of you, particularly when you can´t set limits or say “no”.
You suffer stress from having your own needs going unmet.
You end up resenting the people you want to love, because they aren´t responsive to your unstated needs.

Don't allow others to take charge of your life.

“Codependent” behavior involves accommodating to others at the expense of your own needs and preferences. Your sense of self-worth depends on taking care of, pleasing, and sometimes trying to “save” or “reform” someone else or many others.

Recovering from codependency essentially involves learning to love and take care of yourself. It means giving at least equal time to your own needs alongside those of others. It means setting limits on how much you will do or tolerate, and learning to say “no” when appropriate.